EP 8: A Hearth's Warming Tail
Rating: 5 4 4
Song's whatever. Granny crushes a child and Derpy's the Hearth's Warming tree star.
It's Starlight's first Hearth's Warming Eve and she's thinking of just skipping it. Starlight's a holiday cynic. She really is just like me, for real. Twilight decides to read her a story that's a parody of A Christmas Carol and as she begins reading, states the story takes place many moons ago. A Christmas Carol came out in 1843 and according to my timeframe theory, assuming 2010 is analogous to the show's epoch, we're in year 7, analogous to 2016. This means it's been about 2,140 moons. Many moons ago indeed.
Story's about Snowfall Frost who wants to cast a spell to stop Heath's Warming. Her song's really good. Before the spell's completed, the Spirit of Hearth's Warming Past appears. We get her song that's alright and she brings Snowfall to her childhood where a no-good dirty rotten adult ruins her Hearth's Warming whimsy. After witnessing this, the Spirit of Hearth's Warming Presents appears.
Herobrine sighting #37
She shows Snowfall the party she's missing out on with a Song that's excellent and possibly the most fitting Pinkie song we've had so far. Also, retro Vinyl.
Back in reality, Twilight reveals she's projecting her friends onto the characters. In the story, Snowfall's then visited by the Spirit of Hearth's Warming Yet To Come and shows her a future without Hearth's Warming where the Windigos have returned and turned Equestria into a frozen wasteland. I don't know if this story is supposed to be fiction or non-fiction but if it's non-fiction, does that mean the threat of the Windigos freezing over Equestria has actually been a potential threat all this time? Also very great Luna song.
Herobrine sighting #38
Realizing the consequences of her sins, Snowfall goes to the party and stops being a cynical cunt. After the story's finished, Starlight joins in the party in the real world deciding not to be a cynical cunt. Song's fine.
RARISHY!?
Entertaining and has great songs so it gets 5 EV. 4 VB I guess for Starlight realizing not to be a cynical cunt. Doesn't apply to real life though; holidays truly are just capitalized events that have lost all meaning or are politicized societal rot meant to spread memetic viruses. Pony holidays still have true holiday cheer. 4 DV for the story itself and Starlight developing as a character.
EP 9: The Saddle Row Review
Rating: 4 3 4
There's a review of Rarity's new shop in Manehatten and they all want to read it together. Also, it's the fucking dresses!
Completely useless fact but there's an unnecessary space in the episode title after the first quotation mark.
Rarity reads the review and the episode's a frame narrative of the interview she and the others underwent. We learn Rarity's actually renting the location in Manehatten and even on the inside, it's a completely run-down shithole and the landlord lied about the square footage.
Rarity makes everyone work and the landlord and his daughter show up and they're pretty much GTAIV characters. Then she finds raccoons are infesting the place and makes Flutters deal with them. Then it turns out there's a nightclub upstairs and Rarity goes up to make the music stop but can't because the bouncer won't let her through so she has to just deal with the noise. Twilight gets the idea to use the nightclub's sound pollution as an instrumental for her sweep song. Possibly the best song in the entire series. Then cutie pie Coco Pommel shows up and she's supposed to be Rarity's business partner in Manehatten I think. She's having bad allergies and can't work though.
The ponies decide to deal with Rarity's shit and Pinkie goes up to the nightclub and look at this pony. I, like many bronies learned about people using pacifiers to prevent oral injury during LSD trips all because of this pony.
Pinkie has schizophrenic hallucinations. Rainbow Dash has to choose between three ponies who to hire to work at the place. Applejack has to deal with the landlord's autistic daughter. Fluttershy is killed by the raccoons after she tries to evict them from the building. As Rarity returns from doing shit in a window display, Twilight locks her in it so she can think about how stupid she is for trying to open a business in Manehatten.
The ponies do manage to fix the shit and it turns out Rainbow Dash hired all three of the ponies she was supposed to only pick one of which is a horrible, stupid decision. Rarity has to pay them and too many workers means no profit. Horrible business decision.
Pinkie during the interview can't afford the restaurant bill even though she was fucking loaded back in The Lost Treasure Of Griffonstone. So is she financially retarded or not?
Alright enough for 4 EV. Nothing to vibe with so 3 VB. Rarity's expanding her business so 4 DV.
EP 10: Applejack's "Day" Off
Rating: 3 4 3
Rarity and Applejack are supposed to have spa days together but Applejack keeps having to miss them to take care of farm chores. So she can actually go to a spa day for once, Twilight and Spike attempt to take care of her chores. At the spa, the plumbing fucks up and Applejack has to fix it, wasting the time she's supposed to spend with Rarity. They're trying to spend time in a steam room and I have to mention something I realized as a kid. Steam rooms may be the perfect spot to have confidential conversations. You're either naked or barely clothed in them so you can't really hide any recording equipment and even if you could, the steam would damage anything without water resistance. It's also a closed room to keep the steam in so you can't listen from the outside either.
Skipping to the end of the episode, Applejack returns and Twilight tells her the instructions she was left with are fucking stupid and they have to teach Applejack the concept of optimization. Applejack may have the lowest IQ of the Mane 6. Fuck it, let's rank the Mane 6 from highest to lowest IQ. So in previous commentaries, I've suggested Rarity is more intelligent than Applejack and Pinkie is more intelligent than Rarity. These are the only hints we get in terms of one-on-one battles of wits so I have to make educated guesses for the others. We know Twilight's a savant, Rainbow Dash isn't necessarily a 90-IQ idiot but still isn't gifted, and Fluttershy, I have no idea. So I'm gonna go with Twilight at around 140 IQ or higher, Pinkie around 120s, Rarity around 110s, Rainbow Dash is in the 100s, Fluttershy has a truly average intelligence around 100, and Applejack is in the 90s.
Kinda boring episode so 3 EV. 4 VB only because the message is about learning to optimize things. 3 DV because no development happens.
EP 11: Flutter Brutter
Rating: 4 4 4
We get to see Fluttershy's parents then her brother Zephyr Breeze who's a jobless loser with eccentricities. Calling us out again I see. He decides to stay at their parents' house and he just starts moving furniture around which is pretty funny. He then starts harassing Rainbow Dash who's also there.
Eventually Fluttershy kicks him out their parents' house only for him to go to her cottage. Fluttershy tells him to get a job if he's gonna stay. He then starts moving furniture around again. Why is this so funny? So Flutters manages to get him a few jobs but no one appreciates his optimizations, clearly learning from last episode's message.
Since he can't hold a job, Fluttershy kicks him out and he decides to go live in the woods where he completely loses his mind, has a violent rage fit, and gives up on life. I'm sure we can all relate. Fluttershy has to then go on about not quitting after failing or something and she and Rainbow Dash convince him to come back to the cottage so they can get him to actually follow through with his passion of manedressing or something. We get a song I thought was one of the lamest songs the show has had so far back when I first watched this episode. Yeah, I was right. Then he realizes he isn't a total fuck-up or something, completes a training program, revoking his NEET status and the episode ends.
Somewhat amusing episode so it gets 4 EV. 4 VB for the message of not giving up after failing. In relation to the job stuff and housing, I'm pretty sure I've already rambled about how regulation and credit has completely fucked the ability to find jobs and housing so just go back to one of those or I'm sure I either have or will have articles discussing the topic with more cohesion. We see Fluttershy's parents and her brother so 4 DV.
EP 12: Spice Up Your Life
Rating: 4 5 4
We start with Twilight stating it's been awhile since the map sent them on a friendship mission. Spike implies it's been broken ever since Starlight had her whole time travel fit. According to my timeframe theory, this means the map's been out of commission for nine months at least considering it's been a few episodes since the Hearth's Warming one. Does this mean there could've been friendship problems they should've been solving all this time but couldn't? Twilight and Glimmy fix it and Pinkie and Rarity are sent to Canterlot.
They arrive in Canterlot hungry and go to get some food which Rarity recommends they try 3-horseshoe restaurants since that's the highest rating by some uppity food critic. They go to one only to find the food fucking sucks and there's barely any of it. They try two others and find they're the same. Also, aren't these kinds of restaurants expensive? Who's paying? Rarity's probably wealthy by this point and Pinkie has Schrödinger's wallet so I don't know. You know what, I'm ranking the Mane 6 by wealth sometime in season 9.
Pinkie gets tired of Rarity's horrible recommendations so she makes them go to some Indian restaurant that isn't fucking shit. The restaurant's having trouble and the father and daughter running the place are arguing since the uppity critic refuses to even enter the place. Realizing this is the friendship problem, Pinkie and Rarity decide to help them get the critic to come try the place. Rarity succeeds in doing this and they have until the evening to prepare. We then a song that back when this episode came out, I really liked and would listen to repeatedly. It still holds up.
Rarity with the father redecorates the place and changes the menu while Pinkie and the daughter try to advertise the place but fail, only attracting two Minnesotans. Turns out Rarity made the restaurant like all the other 3-horseshoe restaurants and this makes Pinkie have an episode and pisses off the daughter. The uppity critic arrives and everything fucks up and she leaves, deeming the restaurant shit. Then they realize they shouldn't be taking criticism from some hoity-toity lesbian with a taste for sand and they restore the restaurant to how it was. Pinkie and Rarity realize they did the wrong jobs and switch their roles and actually manage to get the place customers, including the cute cream pony.
After the successful re-reopening, the uppity critic comes back to tell everyone they're stupid only for everyone to dunk on her and her uppity attitude and she leaves.
Another alright episode and it has a really good song so 4 EV. I give it 5 VB because of the message of not letting uppity idiots deter you from doing what you want. You can apply the message to any form of art. Don't pander to the tastes of critics because it will only dilute the value of your stuff. True artists make what they want, not what they're told to make whether it be by individuals, groups of people, or even market trends. 4 DV for restoration and continuity of the map and I guess since we see more of Canterlot and learn more about its uppitiness.
EP 13: Stranger Than Fan Fiction
Rating: 4 4 4
Rainbow Dash is going to a Daring Do convention while Twilight has to go to Griffonstone and miss it. I have never been to a convention. There, she meets another Daring Do sperg named Quibble Pants and they have a tism test over a minute detail of Daring Do lore. I can't wait until I get an opportunity to use these to absolutely destroy someone's theory about something in MLP. The ponytubers have fucking nothing on the Mox Coms. Anyways, Rainbow and Quibble are having fun and eventually come across Daring Do body pillows.
After they've done a bunch of shit, Rainbow Dash mentions how they've only done stuff relating to the first three books and wants to do stuff of the later books to which Quibble denies the later books existing. So he's one of those kinds of people. He's like the Faust evangelists, Equestria Girls canonicity deniers, and season 9 canonicity-denying chuds. He and Rainbow Dash argue over this with Quibble stating he denies the later books' canonicity because they aren't realistic. In an action-adventure book series. Because Rainbow Dash knows Daring Do is actually an autobiographical series, she argues in favor of the later books. Rainbow Dash decides to go find A.K. Yearling to cry about it and when she finds her, Yearling tells her she doesn't fucking care about some fanpony getting butthurt over some books. She also reveals she has a key to some treasure or something which is why she's there.
Rainbow Dash is sent to scout the convention for suspicious ponies so Daring Do can do her shit and finds Quibble again. Then Daring Do villain Caballeron appears and is weirded out by the cosplayers of him, one even being Derpy.
Rainbow Dash begins trailing him as Quibble follows rambling more about later Daring Do sucking and they both get captured. Caballeron tries to get info out of them while Quibble thinks it's all an act. Eventually they escape and come across a rope bridge which Rainbow Dash should just be able to fly over while carrying Quibble. She's been shown to be able to carry ponies while flying before but they cross on hoof anyways. Bridge fails, she has to save Quibble and they get captured again. Daring Do then has to save them and Quibble realizes this is real.
Quibble ends up using his autism to solve a puzzle for Daring Do, they steal the treasure, and escape. When it's all over, Quibble realizes he likes the old books because they're focused on puzzle solving and stuff whereas Rainbow Dash likes the action-based stories of the later book. Gotta agree with Rainbow Dash on this. In video games, I fucking hate puzzles. I don't play something about killing stuff to have to do dorky-ass puzzles that are either extremely dumbed-down simulations of mechanical skills or just added to mark off a game design checkbox. If I'm playing a combat-focused game, the combat and its subsystems are the puzzle, not stupid gimmicks that interrupt the gameplay flow.
Yet another alright episode that gets 4 EV. 4 VB only for the message that people will like different aspects of art and whatever. 4 DV for the convention being a new location, Quibble Pants, and more Daring Do stuff.
MLP Commentaries IndexWritten 2025-2-9 Published 2025-3-1