Glarfied Eat Lagasna
In August of 2023 I decided to play Garfield Kart: Furious Racing. I thought I would just get all the trophies and that would be that. I was mistaken. I would have written this sooner but I didn't out of fear. Playing this game may have been the worst decision of my life.
When I first launched the game, I just went in and started a Grand Prix race. I selected the Lasagna Cup since that was the first one, selected to play as the orange bastard himself and started playing. The first race was what I expected, that track around the suburban neighborhood that I've seen plenty of times in YouTube videos. I went on to the next track which I then completed and the rest and completed the Grand Prix.
The game seemed like just a generic kart racer but I wanted my trophies so I continued. Next was the Pizza Cup. I selected the fat cat again and started the first race which was some farm track. I then completed the first lap and was onto the next. About midway through the second lap, the ground began to split open and a bright orangish light shone from underneath. The crack in the earth got too big for me to avoid and I eventually fell through. I fell for a couple seconds as the screen got brighter almost turning white before the brightness started to lessen and began to fade to a reddish brightness that then began to lose its luminosity. The screen then reached a somewhat dark crimson and the game crashed.
I launched the game again and when I got to the main menu, it wasn't like before. Instead of showing a sort of field with characters racing across the screen in the background like it should, it was a plain, empty dark reddish landscape devoid of anything but Garfield sitting in his car facing the right side of the screen. I went into the Grand Prix section and there was no selection, only the Pizza Cup was available and it didn't show any of the tracks. I selected it and Garfield was the only selectable character to race as. I selected him and the game began loading into the race.
When the game finally loaded in, the track was hellish looking. It had a similar environment to the main menu background but now there was fire all around. The race started and it played like normal. The music was a little creepy and I could hear fire as part of the ambiance but I didn't think too much of it. I completed the race in first place and moved onto the next. I thought surely the next track would be something like from the Lasagna Cup and the last one was just some creepy random Easter egg or something but the next track was just as strange. The environment was ice and snow but it wasn't like just some ordinary snow environment, it too looked hellish and had an ambient sound of what seemed like groans of pain. When the race started I noticed giant structures made of what seemed to be almost skeletons. These skeleton-looking things or husks that made up these structures still had skin and you could still see facial expressions on them. I drove up to one to take a closer look and the expressions were of agony. I then noticed that all these husks were breathing. The groans of pain in the ambient noise grew louder. I backed up and continued the race until I finished.
The next race started in what looked like some void. The road itself was made of a faint light and appeared to just be floating in this black void. The only source of light was from the road and it was kind of hard to see the characters. There was no music or ambient sound either, just the sound of engines, collisions, and the occasional sounds the characters make but even these sounds seemed to be quieter even though I didn't change any volume settings in the game or the system. There was a point towards the end of the lap where the road just ended and I fell for about a minute before landing right behind the starting line. The track up until the drop seemed to lose altitude as it progressed so this seemingly non-Euclidean return to the top after a long fall was weird. I completed the next two laps and completed the race.
I was now onto the final race of the Pizza Cup. When I loaded in, the environment was this sort of trippy, hippie-like thing with bright colors moving around in the skybox in various ways. The track was similar to the last race simply being a road seemingly floating in the air. The road itself looked kind of like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. When the race began, the only sound was this low humming-like sound other than the racing sound effects. As the race went on, the humming grew louder until about halfway through the lap I heard a voice scream "please stop!". Then I began to hear other voices yelling various things. Every time someone yelled, it was about something different, ranging from pleas of mercy to threats. In the second lap I began to hear crying along with the yelling and screaming with some of the yelling sounding like it was through tears. In the third lap the bright trippy background lost all its color and even some of its brightness. The screaming and crying stopped. I then heard a faint sobbing that continued for about 20 seconds. I then heard the creak of a door open with the sobbing continuing. After about another 10 seconds I heard a voice say "do it" calmly. Then after another few seconds a different voice say "do it" again. This repeated until about halfway through the lap when the voices started saying things like "nobody loves you", "you're worthless", "this will make everyone's lives better" and stuff like that while the sobbing continued. As the lap progressed from this point, the voices started to sound more aggressive until they were screaming. At the final stretch of the lap, it was just long straight until the finish line. When I got to the straight the sobbing and voices stopped. There was only the sound of my engine as I drove towards the finish line and right as I crossed it, the sound of a gunshot erupted before the screen showed my placement and points in the Grand Prix. I progressed through the menus until the game quit me to the main menu.
When I got to the main menu, it was the same as before, the bleak crimson background with Garfield sitting still in his car. I was about to continue onto the next Grand Prix until I heard a knock at my door. Being someone that doesn't just open the door to strangers, especially in the middle of the night like it was, I peeked outside a window to see who was there. There were two people both wearing a black suit and they both had skin that appeared to have a slight bioluminescence. After not opening the door for awhile they knocked again. I was not going to open the door for these people. After they knocked for a third time, they finally walked away, got in their vehicle which was some black SUV and drove away. I then returned back to Garfield Kart.
When I got back, I navigated through the menu to the Grands Prix. Now only the Hamburger Cup was available. I selected it, selected the lazy feline as he was the only option and loaded in. When I loaded in, I noticed the environment was like the first race from the Pizza Cup but in a different location. I was also the only racer. The race started and I drove off. Nothing really happened throughout the race as I completed the laps. At the end I crossed the finish line and instead of showing me my placement and such, a cutscene began playing. It showed a mountain in the distance covered in fire before the ground began to shake. As the ground shook, the fire on the mountain intensified before a bright flash erupted from it. As the flash dimmed down, I began to see wings. A few seconds later, I saw horns, legs, and outstretched arms. The flash died down as too did the rumbling of the ground. I could then clearly see the thing that was unobscured from the dimming light. It was some giant demonic-looking thing with angelic wings. It had a humanoid body but was obviously no human. It looked to be covered in fur and had a bull-like head. The legs had hooves but its arms had human-like hands. The wings were massive, extending maybe three times the length of its outstretched arms. They were glowing a bright white and contrasted greatly with the rest of this thing. The cutscene ended and then I was looking at Garfield on a road overlooking the landscape that stood between him and the massive beast in the distance.
The beast off in the distance was looking back at Garfield. It began to speak. The sounds it made didn't sound like anything a human could reproduce but there was a text box that appeared. Where you'd expect a character's name to be in a text box was a string of symbols from what looked to be different writing systems. In the body of the text box was what appeared to be Coptic characters. Me not being able to read this tried to just advance through but I couldn't no matter what button I pressed. The game then had a pop up saying "Learn the tongue of the True Beasts to advance further.". I guessed I had to actually understand what this thing was saying before I could continue.
After looking at multiple writing systems to find the symbols that made up this thing's possible name, I found them. Putting these symbols together made a word that sounds like iχʙɻɛɕ on the IPA but for simplicity, I will call it Ikhbresh. Now that I knew its name, I had to translate what it was saying. I spent some time looking at Coptic-English dictionaries and the language in the text box was indeed Coptic. I translated each word along with noting the grammatical inflections and in the end I think the text said something like "Orange one, have you forgotten your true nature? You are a Beast. You are a god that is worshipped. You are undying, immortal. Why do you weaken yourself to such a state? You must remember your true nature, orange one.". When I went back to the game and tried to proceed, it let me. Ikhbresh put its left arm out and from it a white glow began to cover the screen.
When the glow faded, I was in the start of another race. This one still being in the reddish hellscape in yet another location. This time there were other racers but they were just black shapes of the other characters sitting in their cars. When the race started, none of the other drivers moved, they just sat there. I decided to drive off anyways and complete the race. As I drove I heard crying, groaning, and faint screaming. There was one part in this track where I drove through some castle and there was a part that looked like a prison. In the cells I saw the other characters of the game hanging from what appeared to be little hooks. Each character was also hanging in a different position. After seeing this I moved on and completed the lap. The black character-shaped things were still there when I completed the lap too. I then continued and completed the race.
I was back at the place where Garfield was looking out into the hellish field. Ikhbresh was there. It then spoke and another text box appeared this time being in English although the name was still the same. The text read "NightMox, player of this reality, you are witnessing not a work of art but a reality beyond your perception. You live in this reality every moment of your life unaware. Your perception is not a reality, it is an illusion. This is reality. This is Truth. This is the Beast.". Reading this freaked me out a bit since it said my name but I thought maybe it's just getting my name from the system and that's why it knows my name. I continued and a loading screen appeared.
The next track was back in the icy hell. It was again just me as the only racer but there were stands to the side of the starting area that contained husks watching me. The black character-shaped things from the previous race were also in the stands just standing perfectly still. The race began and I started driving. I began to hear the groaning again and found that the track was mostly straight with almost no turning except for a few drifts to a side. After awhile I began to see a few husks walk from the side towards the track. A little later when they reached the track they began to fall seemingly trying to get hit by the car. As this happened the groans grew even louder and I began to hear what kind of sounded like sobbing. I eventually failed to dodge one of them and when I hit them, they vanished into dust with a hiss-like sound. After this, I noticed I was nearing the end of the lap and eventually crossed the starting line starting the next lap even though I never made more than a 90 degree turn the entire race so far. The rest of the race was the same, trying to dodge these husks while accidently hitting a few.
I loaded into the next race and the track was the void one again. I was alone again and the race started. I could tell it was a different track too from the last time. I began and nothing of significance happened. By the time I neared the end of the lap, I was racing for about 10 minutes. Yet again, there was drop at the end of the lap but instead of lasting a minute, this one lasted about 5. After finally landing, I was back at the beginning behind the starting line. I drove towards it to finish the lap but it didn't get closer. Although the railing and road made of faint light were clearly moving as I drove, the objects around the starting line didn't. I tried to drive forward for about a minute but it never got any closer. I decided to turn around and start driving and the game told me I was going the wrong way. I ignored this and kept driving anyways. After the time I spent driving forward had passed, I saw the starting line again this time actually getting closer as I drove. After I crossed it the game told me I was onto lap 2 and the wrong direction warning disappeared. The next lap was the same 10 minute lap as the previous. When I got to the drop and fell, after about two minutes, I began to see colors fill the void and slowly it started to look like the trippy race from earlier. Around 4 minutes in, it looked just like the trippy race. Another minute later I landed on the track and it too had the same Rainbow Road look again and I was right behind the starting line. I drove forward and was able to cross it and was now onto lap 3. The low humming began to return as I drove. About 5 minutes in I hadn't heard any yelling or crying like before but then I heard a voice say "Your value is an illusion.". About 30 seconds later I heard another voice say "Give up, be the sacrifice that betters everyone.". Then the voices began saying this kind of stuff more frequently as I drove. 5 minutes later I was finally at the end of the lap, crossed the finish line and was done with the Hamburger Cup.
Now all I had left was to finish the Ice-Cream Cup. I went to the Grand Prix section and that was the only option and I selected it. I loaded in and was back at Garfield looking over the hellish plains at Ikhbresh. It spoke and a text box appeared and only had one Coptic word in it. I looked at a dictionary and the word was simply "fool". I continued and then the plains erupted into blue fires. The screen faded and I loaded into the first race. I was alone yet again in the reddish hell this time there being blue fires along with the warm-colored fires in the environment. The race started and as I drove, the road beneath me began to break and pieces fell with fires occasionally erupting from the holes. I dodged these and had to the entirety of the race. I eventually did complete the race though and moved onto the next.
I was back in the icy hell for the third time. I heard the groans of the husks and could see Ikhbresh far in the distance. This was the first time I saw it outside of the reddish hell. The race started and it seemed normal like the first time I raced in this place. But then I came upon a massive hoard of these husks blocking my way. I stopped the car to see if there was anywhere else I could go but there wasn't. I was going to have to drive through the hoard. I began driving again and as I got closer, the groans and sobbing got very loud. I then hit the threshold of husks and was driving through them, dust and hissing going along with it. I was driving through this hoard of husks for about a minute and then I was onto lap 2, still driving through the hoard of husks. Another two minutes passed and I was onto lap 3 still driving through the hoard. Towards the end of the third lap the hoard began to get less compact until there were very few husks in front of me. I then saw the finish line and completed the race.
The next race was back in the trippy place. This time it had no color and the brightness was faded. I was alone still and there was no sound other than the engine. The race started and as I drove there were still no sounds. I completed the first lap and still nothing. As I was driving through the second lap, the skybox began to get darker and the road began to fade into a light. I reached the third lap and a little while later the entire place looked like the void from earlier. At the end of the third lap, I came across another drop and fell into the void. After falling for about a minute the race was completed while still falling. Still falling, I navigated the menu onto the next race.
I was back at the overlook. The fire the same as before and Ikhbresh off in the distance. He spoke, the text box appeared and it was in English saying "NightMox, fool, one existent in this reality, do you not understand? The Beast is Truth. Why do you reject this? You cannot hide from Truth. Truth is all. Truth is the Beast.". I continued and the screen shook with the fires across the plains erupting. The camera then zoomed into the gameplay camera onto Garfield overlooking the plains and the countdown to a race began. I drove, falling off the cliff onto the plains below, fires of warm and blue colors erupting all around me. Ikhbresh far in the distance looked at me, arms, legs, and wings spread out. I drove towards it and as I did, the ground began to crack and form holes with fires erupting from them like before. As I drove, more formed at greater occurrence. Then Ikhbresh moved his right arm forward and as I was driving, dodging cracks, fires, and holes, it began to shoot fires from its hand at me. I now had more to dodge but I just kept driving. Eventually it began to shoot what looked like rays of light at me along with the fire. I just kept driving. By this point about 5 minutes had passed and I was noticeably closer to Ikhbresh. I continued, still having to dodge all this stuff. As I got even closer, I could see Ikhbresh visibly getting closer as I drove. Its attacks against me increased in rate making it even harder to dodge. I was eventually onto the final stretch, only a few more seconds of driving left until I would reach it. In the final seconds before I would reach Ikhbresh, the screen began to fade to white and I heard a distorted yell. When the screen was completely white, the yelling stopped and there was no sound. The race completion menus then popped up and I had completed the Ice-Cream Cup. After the loading screen, I was back in the main menu but this time it was like the normal one with the characters racing across a normal field in the background. I went to the Grand Prix section to see what was there and it was normal, like the first time I loaded up the game, all cups were there and showed the tracks for each cup. There were no hellish tracks, just stuff like towns, cities, farms, and pyramids. I looked at my trophies and the only trophies I was missing were collectible ones. I searched up how to get them and after getting all the collectibles, I had all the trophies and was done with the game.
The next day, I noticed a black SUV outside with black-tinted windows. The day after that it was still there. I went outside to look at it and saw that it had government license plates and it was impossible to see through the windows in the back. I could only see through the windshield and a little through the driver and passenger window and the back of the SUV was blocked by a wall behind the driver and passenger seat. The car is still there to this day and hasn't moved at all from what I've seen. I feel like I am being watched by whatever is in the back of this car. Was this because of Garfield Kart? What the hell was with this game that got the government watching me? I looked online to see if anyone else experienced anything similar to what I did but of the playthroughs I saw, it looked like a normal kart racer. I looked at forums and reviews of the game to see if anyone experienced anything similar but it mostly just contained obvious joke stuff like how the game promotes terrorism and whatever. What was wrong with my game? Why am I seemingly being targeted by the government over a shitty Garfield game?
A few days later on a Monday night I heard a knock at my door. I looked outside the window but no one was there. I did notice something on the ground though. I waited about 5 minutes then opened the door to see what it was. It was a metal pan with aluminum foil covering the top. I brought it inside, set it on a table and lifted the foil to see what was underneath. It was lasagna. I got a knife and cut me a piece. I grabbed a fork and took a bite of it. It was the best lasagna I had ever eaten. When I was done and about to put it in the fridge, I noticed something beneath the pan. There was a piece of paper taped to it. I took the paper off and looked at it. It was a single word written in Coptic, the word for "fool". I began to panic wondering how anyone would know about this since I hadn't told anyone about what happened in Garfield Kart. I don't know why this is happening but I never should have played Garfield Kart: Furious Racing, worst mistake of my life!
Written 2023-9-15 Published 2023-10-1